Jason Driskill

My cousin got married yesterday, in West Monroe, Louisiana.

Thursday I left work early to board a plane for Chicago where I met up with my brother, his girlfriend, and my cousin Bob. We drove all night long for 14 hours to West Monroe, stopping only for snacks and gasoline.

The wedding was beautiful.

At this point I’ll sink into some introspective rambling…

It’s kind of odd to see my cousin who is eleven years younger than me get married. I feel like twenty-two years of life-experience is hardly enough to prepare someone for a commitment of that magnitude. Most of her bridesmaids and all of the groomsmen seemed to be married. I’m obviously out of touch with the married population in our culture.

Weddings punctuate the obviousness of my singlehood. Upon arriving at the wedding our group was detained in the lobby as the family of the bride, and after everyone else was seated we were marched two-by-two to our seats. Well most of us were two-by-two. My mom & dad, my brother & sis-in-law, my brother & girlfriend, and me by myself. After the wedding there were pictures - mostly arranged by couples, and me by myself. Following the reception there was dancing, which was awkward for so many different reasons, one of which being the fact that I had no dance partner.

Being single wasn’t the issue for me. It was the unspoken reason for why I’m single. It made me feel conspicuously gay, when there was really no other reason to feel gay.

The party disbursed into the lobby along the little hotel bar, where I found myself eyeing an attractive young man who was not affiliated with the wedding party but just a guest of the hotel. I had noticed him the night before sitting at the hotel bar for dinner, then later for drinks, and it seemed as if this had been his routine again while we were all in the wedding reception. Getting the gay vibe from him, I tossed back a couple drinks and boldly began making conversation with him, even surrounded by family members and brand new in-laws. We talked for about an hour, mostly about his work. I mentioned being an art student and he talked about nearly pursuing a degree in fashion. As everyone was getting ready to go back to their rooms, I bid him goodnight. The conversation concluded something like this:

Jason: Hey it’s been nice talking with you. I should give you my number.

Joshua: Oh, are you staying in the area for awhile?

Jason: No, I leave tomorrow at eight in the morning. But if you want to hang out more tonight you should call me.

Joshua: Oh.  Um, okay.

And I went up to my room where I never heard from him again.

So now I’m confused. Maybe he wasn’t actually gay after all, but just a really friendly guy. I doubt that. Maybe he was gay but just not interested in me. Was I totally imagining getting an interested vibe from him? Probably.

More confusing than why he never called is why I gave him my number in the first place. This is not something I’m inclined to do, especially in a hotel bar, especially leaving the next morning, especially surrounded by my family, especially not knowing for sure if the guy is gay… But maybe all these reasons are what prompted my uncharacteristic behavior in the first place. I was sleep-deprived, a little bit drunk, and completely desperate after being surrounded by straight couples all day.

So taking that into consideration, I should be glad that my lapse in judgment went without consequence.   But he was really really cute, and I still feel like I missed out somehow.  I can’t help but wonder if there was anything I should have done differently to have achieved the results I wanted.